Letters to My Sister

Mean Girls

2011-05-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

Unless you've been living under a rock, you have come into contact with mean girls before. Mean girls are everywhere all over the world and wherever we go. Some may be overt and obvious, while others are more elusive, making identifying them difficult. Unfortunately I can say that mean girls don't just go away as you get older, but in many cases learn new and more subtle ways to cut other people down.

The obviously open offender is the easiest to see, being unrestrained in bullying and insulting others without disguising what they do. They make it clear they are not concerned about others and how they feel. They are aggressive and assertive about having their needs met and having those around them take care of those needs. You become on the "outs" with them when you are not regarding them as #1. These are the kind of girls that feed off of high school popularity, but do seem to disappear as you get older, or more likely turn into another kind of mean girl more socially acceptable.

I first saw this kind of girl in middle school when being popular was more important than our schoolwork. There was a definite inner circle of popular girls who were in no way interested in being nice but more interested dating upperclassmen. At one point a certain girl started rumors about me that I can't even remember, but I do still remember the feeling like everyone was talking about me and laughing behind my back.

The second kind of mean girl is the uninterested girl who occupies middle ground between being open about what they are and trying to hide it by simply being indifferent to others outside their main circle. These girls essentially give themselves a free pass to do whatever they feel like and behave around others however they are feeling that day. In my experience there was a girl who would pretend to be interested in being including other girls but when those girls came around she wouldn't be concerned with being accomodating or friendly but just sticking with her best friends.

I first encountered this kind of mean girl in high school in New Jersey. There were handfuls of these girls, not really concerned in being nice to me (the new girl) and venturing outside their groups. I still see these kinds today, but learned eventually to simply keep an emotional distance. These kinds of girls can get under your skin with underhanded compliments, gossiping, and an open disinterest in your feelings.

The "nice" girl is usually one trying to be nice but for some ulterior motive or perhaps a certain period of time. This kind of mean girl can be your best friend for a time, then moves on to whoever is giving her what she wants, popularity, attention, better entertainment, etc. Ultimately I have found this to be the hardest kind of girl because you never know what you're going to get. They can be fun, charismatic and interesting for a time, but when they're done with you, you become invisible to them. Loyalty essentially does not exist for them. It is all about who is fun for the moment and then they go to the next.

I first encountered these girls at an older age, and it was a particularly difficult experience for me. Being open, and honest, but still kind is not something you will see with a mean girl, and it has been difficult for me to wrap my head around.

In my exposure to mean girls all over the country and internationally I have seen how it affects us all in the same ways. No one wants to feel dejected and alone let alone victimized by mean girls, but it happens to some extent. We will always be left out sometime and leave others out as well, but we can try our best to avoid being the antagonist. Always try to look for someone who needs a friend. As the saying goes, "to have good friends you need to be a good friend".

College Advice

2011-04-26T17:26:00.001-07:00

Some of the best things I wish I'd known about college before I got there...

- The "Freshman 15" is not a myth!! It happens from late night trips to Denny's and the vending machine, not to mention ice cream whenever you want.

- Know in advance what career you want. What you are interested in is not necessarily what you should study. Choose something practical with a direct path in mind. The goal is to have a job when you finish!!

- Get a good on-campus job asap! It may take time, but keep on looking until you find one

- Take a moderate workload of credits from the beginning. Establish an early pattern of dedicating a given amount of time to schoolwork and keep it up at the moderate pace. Some begin with only 12 credits, but eventually have to take a lot more and end up drowning, or having to drag out graduation for another year

that being said...

- Don't hurry too fast. Take fun classes. Learn great tools like cooking, sewing, auto repair, etc. College is such a great place to expand your horizons and learn new things. It will really enrich your whole experience when you add some variety.

I wish I could go with you and do it all again! You will change and grow in more ways than you could imagine and spend some time honestly evaluating who you are and what you want to be. I am so excited for you!!!!!!

New Year, New You

2010-12-31T09:16:00.001-08:00

The best part about life is you have so many chances. There are so many opportunities to be a new person and try new things. Each year, each day gives you a chance to be something or someone different than you were before.

Want to be outgoing? Start today.

Want to be a literary genius? Now's as good as ever.

In a few short months you will begin a new chapter. How many do you have already in your short life? Which ones are the best? Which would you change?

Start from today in doing what you've always wanted to do and give it your best shot.

Bring it!!

Heartbreak

2010-08-24T08:15:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest lessons from growing up is getting your heart broken. It can happen in many ways, from giving your heart and having it rejected, life taking you apart, or never getting the chance.

I have had relationships in my life all across the spectrum. When I was 17 I fell in love for the first time and I fell pretty hard. I wrote this piece a while ago, letting out all I needed to say and felt at the final realization it was over.

We weren't meant to last. We knew it from the beginning, but somehow that didn't stop it from happening, from us jumping in with both feet and our eyes blindfolded. I don't think anyone really tells you that, that the ties you tie so tight and thoughtless while you're young will be there forever, following you like a chore on your list you can never cross out; or the feeling you get as you fall asleep. Eternally unaccomplished.

I met you on a hot day. I remember being embarrassed that I might be sweating. I was never a cute girl, the kind who got friends simply from being good to look at. I had to earn my friends, by being funny, nice, or complimentary. I didn't mind all that much unless it came to meeting boys. I wanted to be that effortless, almost undeserving of attention as the girls I knew and admired. Still, I stuck with funny. It worked the best for me. We were doing a service project, something about shoveling mulch into a playground for handicapped kids. What they were ever going to do in a big pile of mulch was a mystery to us, but we followed the orders of our leaders dutifully. As a teenage girl I had the perfect eye for searching out cute boys my age, sizing them up, and constructing a gameplan for how to get noticed. You were with a friend, probably doing something disruptive, probably trying to get in trouble. I was wearing a green shirt. I was in track, polevaulting if I remember correctly, but not very well. For that same reason I was wearing a soft ankle brace from a strain earlier that month. I was never very good at running that short sprint, and pounded on my feet too hard, coach said. I was sitting out of the activity because of this, and also to avoid any further potential sweating. But when someone suggested volleyball I was instantly healed; it might of had something to do with the fact that you were going to play too. All part of the plan, really.

On the sandy court I finally got to talk to you. It was something sarcastic, teasing, to get you to notice, and you caught on, joined my wavelength. You teased back, I returned it, and we kicked sand on each other. Somewhere in the middle of that volleyball was being played. but I don't think either of us knew that.

At lunchtime I managed to trick you into carrying me to the lunchroom. It was a church camp. The food was kind of gross, and I could tell your friend didn't like me too much. You told me later that your friends all thought I wasn't pretty enough for you, and I always knew that. I was the kind of girl who didn't spend time on my hair, or out shopping for clothes monthly. I liked letting my hair go frizzy, and thrived on make-up tips like "the five minute face". I wasn't supposed to rope in someone like you, tall, cute, funny. I met your old girlfriend once, and prayed you didn't have a type. I wasn't that type.

The day camp was over we packed our bags, and headed off in different vans to places across the state. I hadn't seen you before, so how was I going to see you again? I made up an excuse to my friend, and went off looking for your van. My heart raced as I found your group, and I said my goodbyes to the girl standing next to you. My decoy. I glanced at you, and you asked me for my phone number. It was new, I could hardly remember it. Months later you told me that you suspected I gave you a fake one, probably because I couldn't spell off all the digits without thinking about it. Of course I gave you the right number.

I remember when I asked you to my prom. I barely knew you, but I knew I'd rather be at the prom with you, a cute almost-stranger, than any of the other boys at my school. I had filtered through a few of them my senior year, I was only there one year, but none really stuck. Just because I was boy-crazy it didn't meant that I was that desperate. I was driving in a car with my friend, windows rolled down, blasting Dashboard Confessional, near tears at the truth and sting of the lyrics. "I'm going to call him", I told her, "I'm going to ask him to prom!" She cheered me on, turned down the music, and waiting anxiously. I knew you'd say yes. What I didn't know is that prom would be awful, horrible, utterly forgettable.

The first couple weeks we dated as friends. I liked you, you apparently liked me, and we drove an hour nearly daily to see each other. I would listen to old tapes, and count the minutes and miles. I liked your family. They welcomed me, and I opened up to them. You had cute sisters I loved almost as much as you. I don't remember meeting them for the first time. I do remember seminary graduation. You led the music, I tried not to blush as I stared at you on the stand. My cousins were in town visiting. My mom said you looked cute in your suit, teasing me, and we all burst into deep belly-laughs when I told her your parents were directly in front of us. Your mom smiled. I remember going to swim meets, watching your sisters swim. I never swam well, I always sunk in the water. Maybe that was the beginning of the end.

At school I missed you. I had no one to carry my books, and steal a moment between classes. My boyfriend was a myth, as far as they knew. Until prom, that is. You made us memorable that night. You joined in with someone, teasing me, but this time it didn;t make me laugh, it made me want to shrink and disappear. I called you my ex-boyfriend's name. I didn't even hardly like him when we were dating, but somehow his name came to my lips. Freud had it out for me that night. The night ended, and I promised myself I would put it, the iconic teenage experience that culminated in one night, behind me. I wished it away. The end got closer that night.

The summer began. It got even hotter than I had imagined. But at night something miraculous happened. In the haze of the quiet evenings fireflies emerged from the grass, and hovered inches above the ground. I would go out in the lawn and catch them in my hands. For a moment they were not insects. For a moment they captured me, gave me peace, and glistened in my face. Then their lights would go out. Once you set them free they would light up again, and float away.

I went to another camp with your sisters, and missed you terribly. The phone never rang. We were in the middle of the woods with cell phones. It never did me any good because you didn't call. I always wondered what you thought on those days you didn't call. Was it difficult to call me? Did I cross your mind and you dismissed it? Camp was dirty, and we learned about teamwork, how to build fires, and what to do with a tick on your back. When we came home your sister and I planned a party for a girl who was leaving, planned at your house. Another decoy. I hadn't seen you in days, and I wanted to catch your eye again, the way I had just a few months before. When you looked at me, it wasn't my eyes.

From there I just held on tighter. I thought that tying the knot tighter brought the two ends of the rope closer, but the distance widened between them. I remember seeing "The Notebook", with your sister, crying my eyes out, and then kissing you, trying to make it our story. I couldn't swim, I was sinking.

College came in the fall, with new beginnings. We knew we would be far apart, and at that point complicated travel plans weren't even entertained. I jumped in with both feet and found someone new, unlike you in each way. He was shorter, brunette, open and emotional. I didn't care. He wasn't you, and that was enough to make me interested. He told me later that I ruined the first weeks of school when I broke his heart. I knew it, and I didn't mind. I wanted someone else's heart to break instead of mine. When I saw you, unexpected, I held his hand tighter then let it go. I pulled him in and pushed him back as I felt you doing to me.

I tried to get your attention across miles. I closed up, and opened my mouth. The words came, but never the ones to bring you back.

I loved you, but I couldn't see us anymore. I found one of our prom pictures months later.

There was me looking at you, with you in the foreground looking away from me, as intentional as it was unplanned. I would always be the girl with the unkempt hair and open soul, and you would be the boy with everything to give, but not to me.

2010-03-29T19:16:00.001-07:00

Sometimes life does work out justly.

Sometimes karma does do its job.

With the wide wonderful world of facebook and other networks we are able to keep track of people we have left behind through the years. We can see where they went after high school and what they have been doing all the time since.

I had a great moment the other day, a bit of "shadenfreude" (or happiness at the misfortune as others) glossing over several names and pages of people from my past. Its no mystery that I had some tough years as a teen, moving from one place to another and often. I was uprooted from good friends, routines, and transported to completely new surroundings. Life can be hard under any circumstances as a young person, but I definitely saw my share of mean girls and lived out lonely days. I digress... As I glanced through their pages and saw lists of dead-end jobs, and same cliques from years ago it made me think...

I am so glad I am not them!

I couldn't believe it. These were people that years ago were respected, popular, and even occasionally feared from the general student body. To know that I no longer wanted their lives, their bodies, their friends was such a relief and also a moment of pride.

Nice people do not finish last.

Being a good, kind, hard-working person will bring you happiness and a life of joy. You will always find good friends who will love you if you are honest, caring, and ambitious. Sometimes I feel that life is like distance running. In those moments where you feel like you are simply too exhausted to go on, you realize you are just staring at your tired feet pounding on the ground. Once you look up and see how far you have come it is all worth the effort.

Keep your head high, even when it is hard, and especially then. You will never regret being yourself and being good to others.

Think Thin

2010-02-15T07:40:00.001-08:00

As a young teen I was tiny. I was underweight and super short. I was teased quite a bit for being short and "anorexic". (To give you an idea: for the 7th grade end-of-year dance I wore a pair of your shorts- I was 12, you were 5!) Then one day that all changed. In the second half of 8th grade I grew two inches and gained 15 lbs. To be honest it was very hard on me. In many ways I had considered my weight and height to be integral to my identity as a person. Over the next four years I grew sporadically and had random weight gains and losses. I couldn't figure it out. Sometimes I thought I was exercising a lot and eating a little but I got bigger. I was so mad at myself for ever hating being tiny!

In college after gaining the freshman 15, it all finally clicked in my head. I lost the 15, plus a few, and have been able to keep it off ever since.

I want to share my secrets with you. They aren't really anything extraordinary or shocking, but things I found to be true through trial and error. I also don't mean to tell you that you need to lose weight! I just want to pass on these tips and perhaps even have them documented in case I forget myself.

1. Eat like a thin person: I used to watch the girls who were thin, what they ate, what they did to exercise, and establish commonalities between them. There were a few things

They were picky eaters. If you don't like it, don't eat it (a portion of healthy veggies excluded).
Don't just eat because you "want" something. Donuts filled with fluff you don't really like, gum, anything.
Some girls are naturally thin, eating machines, but it WILL catch up to them someday!

2. Its all about portions- You could be eating anything really, but if you're not eating a lot then it doesn't matter. Eg., eating a salad vs. a sandwich. Someone who eats a big huge salad loaded with toppings will get more calories than a medium sandwich. If you only really want ice cream for lunch, eat that instead of your sandwich, apple, drink, and granola bar. Its all in the math of how the calories add up

3. "Eat to live, don't live to eat": eat when you're hungry, and don't when you aren't. It seems so basic, but very true. If you're not hungry for lunch, don't eat it. But the idea here is that we eat because we need nourishment, not because we want to taste something

4. Enjoy in moderation: If you're at Cheesecake Factory, have your favorite meal, or some cake. All you need to do is eat a little. If you restrict yourself completely you will eventually give in to something later, probably even worse for you that you don't even really like that much.

5. Exercise for health, not weight loss: Unless you have a very significant percentage of body fat, exercise will not help you lose weight, but help you maintain your current weight. Cut back the calories first and then do the exercise later once you've reached a goal weight. Also, many people eat more when they exercise because they think they've burned lots of calories (I used to do this a lot).

6. Throw away food: Eat until you're satisfied and then throw it away. How many times do we eat more than we wanted to at a restaurant simply because the food was still sitting in front of us? Get rid of it before you give it a second thought. Dump it down the sink, throw your napkin on it in a restaurant, do whatever to make it inedible in your mind. Then walk away. No one in Africa is starving because of you, and you will not get praises from others for cleaning off your plate.

7. Plan ahead if necessary: At a place with large portions, map out how much you should eat. Figure half, 1/4, whatever you think is appropriate, then stick to it when you get to that point. Its sort of like when you eat at home and you get to choose how much is on your plate.

8. Stop eating after dinner: Once its over, close down the kitchen. Its better for your stomach, helps you sleep better, and prevents eating just because you're bored or relaxing.

9. Enjoy your friends, being active, and living. We are blessed to have food to sustain us. It only becomes a problem if we overindulge, so get new guilty pleasures: long showers, going for walks, reading, etc.. Being at a weight you are comfortable in is worth the discipline!

How To Be The Best "New Kid" Ever

2010-01-07T13:05:00.000-08:00

Having made a few moves in my day, mostly in high school, I learned very quickly the right and wrong ways to make your entrance in a new place. Ultimately you will be able to find friends, get involved in activities, and feel comfortable, but I have found some ways to expedite the process. An additional benefit to having a 'plan' of sorts is you have something to do in the meantime that feels productive and gives you something to think about on the rougher days.

First day: Pick someone to latch onto. You can even tell them, they wont care. Say, "Mind if I tag along? I don't know anyone", or "Thanks for being my tour guide". If they've ever been "the new kid" they understand, and if they haven't, well, they've heard rumors of how much it stinks.

If you don't end up being best friends and you find a new crowd, no worries. Having a familiar face or two makes life that much easier.

Key points:

1. Don't wait around for stuff to happen. You just might get a random invitation or two, but make your own activities and invite others along. Go to the mall, see a movie, join clubs. The more you put yourself out there, the more inclined others will be to notice you and talk to you.

2. Be open and friendly. I'm not saying you have to wear a name tag and talk to everyone, but the more shy you are, the less people will talk to you. Being 'open' makes you approachable. Say hi to one person in each class, and get to know them. Ask them questions, talk about their life. People love talking about themselves. It is very true that to have good friends you need to be a good friend, so start there. Introduce yourself a ton. You'll perfect the telling of your life story in 30 seconds. Think Reader's Digest version...

3. Set yourself up for success by planning ahead. Make arrangements for where you'll sit at lunch before you enter the cafeteria and look longingly at the busy room of unfamiliar faces. Make plans for friday on thursday.

4. Keep in mind that things will get better. Its just a fact. One day you will reflect on this time and all the embarrassment and loneliness will be a distant memory you never have to relive. Brush yourself off and think about tomorrow. You're not new forever, and eventually someone newer than you will come along.

The High School Syndrome

2009-08-31T11:52:00.000-07:00

There's a serious virus going around the young teens, when caught metabolizes into a condition called the High School Syndrome. It seems to strike the strongest with the 14-17 year-old crowd, but those younger and a bit older tend to be affected as well. It's passed through close friendly contact, though is most strong through distant and non-personal contact.

What is the syndrome exactly? The syndrome, when caught, causes delusions among the carrier that everyone around them cares about whatever they say, do, or even wear. The carrier believes that all people they come in contact with has an opinion about them in some or even all ways, such as the way the carrier is wearing their hair, or their complexion. You may enter a store in pajamas and think everyone there is looking at you or thinking about how ridiculous you look, when really, its all a an illusion. No one cares (and I mean this in the best way). No one may even be looking at all.

Is there hope? The antidote and treatment thus far is simple: ignorance. If you don't care to take notice of it, then it doesn't exist. Be yourself, enjoy your uniqueness, and have fun doing it!

How's it Gonna Be

2009-08-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

Music is a powerful thing...

The other day I was driving in the car by myself listening to the radio when one of my favorite songs came on the radio, "How's it Gonna Be", by Third Eye Blind. Its the kind of song that can make you remniscent and reflective no matter where you are physically or mentally.

I started thinking on all the people I have left behind in my life, either by choice or by circumstance. I care for those I was close to, and it truly saddens me to lose contact with them. To some extent I even feel this way with my family, our family, who I moved away from for college. Regardless of who the person, I am saddened the most as the years go by and I see myself changing, for better or worse. Those years since I had left home have been truly the most significant for me in developing a sense of myself, and also determining the direction I want my life to take.

I wonder sometimes if I were to reconnect with my friends from long ago whether or not we would really know each other anymore. I, of course, don't mean I have been the only one changing and moving forward, but our independent changes have only further widened the gap between us.

Some of the things that have changed in the mean time, the last 5-6 years, both good and bad:

I grew another inch... courtesy of late-blooming genes

I figured out how to eat, exercise (I know, its a vain ambition but I was pleased)

I learned about religion, the human mind, and boys

I learned that burying your feelings for someone else by serial dating isn't always the best way to heal

I learned how to develop deep relationships and friendships that I always shied from before

I spent a good amount of time at parties, dances, and other social events

I learned that school was actually very interesting, and I was a good student if I applied some energy to it

I expanded my mind and narrowed my opinions

I lost a bit of childishness and immaturity, which I miss sometimes; I used to be more fun

I had my heart broken and tried to learn how to mend it

I learned how to manage my hair (finally), and how to wear makeup; transitioned away from the swiss hippie look to more american

I learned how to put other's needs before my own

I dyed my hair blonde

I learned how to cook and clean

I slowly purged my closet of european clothes and replaced them with american ones

...among other things.

So much of your life moves quickly past you. Cherish the time you have with people you care about, and don't take them for granted!

Why High School is Called "The Best Years of Your Life" Part 1

2009-05-17T06:52:00.001-07:00

I remember being told on several occasions that high school would be some of the "best years of [my] life". I would sit back and think, you have got to be kidding me. High school? Pimples, boy problems, friend problems, weight problems... really, these are the best? Well, then kill me now because my life is going to be awful! Granted each life can take it's individual spin during those four years (moving, death of family members, siblings moving out, etc.) that can make the time even a bit tougher, but I do agree (now :) ) that there were a lot of great things that happened for me in those years.

I always wondered why there was such a focus on high school even in the media. It seems like there are countless movies and TV series set in hs, even aimed at younger kids (High School Musical, anyone?). Why those years, and not any others?
Well, you can date, drive (usually), and the drama is increased as you keep the same pool of people together over a few years and they start dating one another. {One interesting thing to note though, is the actors are usually in their 20's. I would easily say I have looked much better in my 20's than I did in HS. }

The best things about HS for me were:

-the extracurriculars: sports, music, theater, you name it and you can do it. Frankly, you don't even have to be good at it to participate. Once you get to college you have to be skilled to keep going, so enjoy it while you can. Coaches actually care about your performance, you have opportunities to try new things, and your time will allow for a few different activities simultaneously.

-living at home: you will be ready to move out when the time comes, but in the mean time enjoy your last few years at home. Having someone cooking you meals will be sorely missed in years to come. Once you are gone you will realize all you have learned and how comfortable (and expensive!) "home" really is. Also, you will never again really truly know those siblings you have left behind, so cherish that time.

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Now that I look back, I can't believe its all done. Forever. In many ways that kind of realization is what motivated me to write you these (infrequent) "lessons" if you will, on life and how quickly the time passes. One day you will look back and marvel at how much has passed you by, and it will never return. As much as I rethink it and reminisc on my time it cannot be repeated, in high school. I can only that hope you will take advantage of the short time you have there to have a ball making good friends, being a good friend, and loving each day for what it has to offer you.

To Date or Not to Date- That is the Question

2009-04-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

An interesting question was posed to me in passing at church a month or so ago that really got me thinking:

Is it better to have had a serious relationship before your marriage- especially in high school (a.k.a. "first love")- or to have your spouse be the first?

Hmmm...

[Before we proceed, I'll clarify the follow is my opinion (and of course it is of "Expert" status considering my handy-dandy aforementioned degree)]

The first reaction of the other woman in the conversation was "Of course". Relationships give you experience, and allow you to practice the skills of commitment and proper communication, among other things.
I could see her point. If "practice makes perfect", then an often dateless, girlfriend-less guy would be therefore a sucky husband, right?

Yes and no.

I think much of this has to do with willingness to learn and also that person's family background (called "family of origin"). I do know that couples coming from families where the parents were themselves married (never divorced) experienced decreased levels of divorce themselves in their subsequent marriages. Why would that be? Because the children of those marriages see examples of positive interactions, and are used to the ideas of commitment, sacrifice, and fun in family settings. Of course there are exceptions on either side, but chances are if you saw it yourself, you will likewise subconsciously choose to live that way.

My opinion on this matter was the opposite from woman #1.

I think "first love" has a lot of drawbacks.
First of all, if you don't end up together in the end, it is quite likely that the relationship ended badly, or at least on a sour note. I don't think it mitigates all the positives of the relationship, but you go from having a best friend to hardly or never seeing them again. All the time you invested was essentially wasted. You have cursed yourself to years of agony over every song written in a minor chord. Put it all in the attic and watch it collect dust for eternity.
Does this mean don't date? Of course not. Casual dating can be tons of fun, and also allows you to practice commitment for those few hours (as said Dallin H Oaks in May 2005). You gain friendships and begin to see what qualities you might be interested in.
I know in some cases it can't be helped. You may date someone for two years with the goal to ultimately marry that person only to find yourself dumped, but don't go looking for love in high school. It will free you up to look around, gain experiences, and meet many different people. You might be surprised at what qualities you really like. Plus, waiting until you're older helps you in your selection process. The guys I liked in high school were the kind of guys I wouldn't have wanted to marry. (I tended to go for the arrogant, pretty-boy types). Thank goodness I learned better and found an amazing person later on.

Not to mention the morality issues...

People who date seriously younger have more problems with chastity. Its just a fact. You have more opportunities, more intense emotions you're unsure how to manage, not to mention a fully-loaded teenage-boyfriend (read: CAUTION!).

Go on and live life. Remember high school doesn't last forever, and thankfully those crazy boys grow up and become men (well, most of them :) )

Its College Time!

2009-04-03T14:49:00.001-07:00

In this day and age you can't afford not to go to college.

What makes it so great?

Learning all kinds of things about the world, history, and people is incredible. All of the sudden math is interesting, and the lessons you've been learning the past 18 years start making sense. I remember a roommate taking an online accounting class I listened in on You also learn a hearty bit about yourself, for better or worse. Its a very selfish, but necessary time of your life.
Socially its also an incredible time. You meet so many people and make so many friends it puts high school to shame in a weekend. You also have an opportunity to meet people very similar to yourself, friends you will actually stay in contact with years down the road.

Whats the biggest secret? Don't pick a major you love, pick one you can use! Sure Art History is interesting, but what does it all mean? What do you do when you're done? You'll spend 4 years memorizing names of artists when you could be building a useful career for yourself.
I still think my time would have been better spent at hair school then working for a BS in Psychology. (At least now I could be working part-time rather than constantly deliberating over whether or not to go back and get a masters)

College will be some of the best time of your life and it goes by lightning speed, so make sure to enjoy every minute.

Tips for an Awesome Prom!

2009-03-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

This season prom is in the air.

Having a girl over the other night showing off her dress and deciding on shoes got me thinking about my prom, 5 years ago... There is so much hype and anticipation around the event of glamor, I thought I might lend my experience of the good and the bad to make sure you can have the best night possible.

1. The dress.

a. Besides your wedding dress, this will be the most important dress of your life. Yeah, I know, that sounds really corny, but how many times can you get away with a full-length formal gown, all dolled up? Enjoy it! After those days are gone you will have no more need for all those useless lengths of glistening fabric, so revel in the experience.

b. Take time to find your dress, and don't be afraid to start early. I began shopping with little time left, and the time constraint alone led me to settle a bit prematurely on a dress I wasn't entirely comfortable with. In taking time you also allow yourself to do a lot of shopping. Remember finding the perfect jeans? This is similar, in that you will try thousands of dresses to find your perfect one.

c. Feeling good in your dress is priority #1. With my dress I felt somewhat uncomfortable and unstylish. Wearing it to 3 different proms subsequently produced the same feeling each time. Shopping around is crucial!

2. Makeup & Hair.

The saying "less is more" doesn't apply to events that take place at night or in the dark. Practice your look a few times at least before the night of, and remember to add a little more mascara than you think you might need. Asking a friend or seasoned veteran is also a good idea, but make sure you have enough time to scrap it all and start again if you need to.

As for hair... Get it done if you can. Go with a cute style that you really like. Find the happy medium between conservative and daring. Updo's are nice because the hair is out of your face, but it can look very natural down. All I can really say is to go with the style you really like, and bring a photo to copy. Some places will do a practice-run on the style (which I recommend), and it could give you time to change stylists or give feedback on what you did/didn't like.

3. Your date.

In my honest opinion, the best date to have to prom is a good friend. Boyfriends are good too, but potential love-interests are the worst. You spend your time trying to be cool, when you should be letting loose and enjoying yourself. Frankly the best part is having a good group of friends you can tear it up with on the dance floor!

4. Pictures.

As boring as it is, pictures are important to the night. Take some with parents, friends, and at the event. I chose to not get the picture at the event and it has always made me a bit sad. Sure, the poses are tired and lame, and the themes are hokey, but they make for a great addition to a scrapbook of your life.

5. The After-Party.

Does teen-drinking exist? I've heard rumors... My date and I went to see Harry Potter after the prom. I have to say, it was fun but a little bit lame. We spent the night dancing to loud music then sat in a movie theater. Granted, the guy typically makes the plans, but I would suggest something where you can actually talk, maybe have a bit more dancing or games. Given that parental supervision is a must, I think hanging out at a friends house as a group is the perfect activity.

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Have fun, go nuts, and remember it's over as soon as it began. No regrets, no drama, just have a fabulous time :D

Why Every Girl Should Have an Ugly Phase (or two)

2009-02-23T07:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, we'll be honest.... All of us would love to be beautiful. You see others at school, celebrities, and you think man, that would be nice to be a knock-out.
I know I am definitely guilty of that.
There are two extremely beautiful girls I know.
Girl 1 is a blonde, eternally tan, with bright blue eyes. She's Barbie incarnate. She has nice clothes and comes from lots of money. And, well, that's kind of it. She lives for clothes. Eats, sleeps, and breathes for clothes. She is fun to shop with, but I always get a nagging feeling that is all we have in common because frankly thats all we do have in common. Does she care about world events? Does she love children? Does she like to paint about the thoughts she holds deepest and closest to her heart?
Girl 2 is a brunette, also with bright blue eyes (can you tell I'm jealous of blue eyes? :) ) with perfect porcelain skin. She likes art. She likes music. She loves babies. She reads, keeps up with friends, and is kind and generous to all. Just like Girl 1, she comes from money and has nice clothes. The clothes don't make the substance of the person. The clothes don't teach their child the value of kindness and intelligence. She is the type of individual that makes you inspired to be better while marveling at how wonderful she is. I cannot imagine how such humility came from someone who seems to have everything!
Fortunately for her, I am unaware of an ugly phase. Myself? Different story. I am reminded of the scripture that says the ones who are blessed the most are those who are humble without being compelled to be. I am grateful though for having an experience that did compel me, at least initially, to learn about what makes a humble, and kind person.
When it comes down to it, an ugly phase teaches you to rely on more that just physical charm or experience to make friends, do well in school or work, and to generally thrive in this world. I think of Girl 1, who never had to work to make friends or get boys to ask her out. She was never compelled to learn how to initiate conversation or how to be nice to all types of people. Ugly phases teach you that you are no better than others because of how you look, and require you to really examine who you are at the core. I feel like I have been my truest self during some of my ugliest phases.

The real irony?

I had some of my best friendships and dating experiences then as well. Often times I feel the least attractive when I am the thinnest, and clear-faced.

The moral of the story:

Embrace the awkward phases

Always work on your lasting, inner beauty

These are few of my favorite things...

2009-02-09T07:45:00.000-08:00

Finding a good guy is a lot like shopping for jeans. In a thousand pairs you will find only a few that fit well, and of those only a few more fit you perfectly. You can spend hours trying to find that perfect pair or simply shop casually over time while looking for the right fit.

my personal favorite are "Paige Jeans"

Many girls have a difficult time because they see the jeans they want beforehand and try to make themselves fit the pants rather than allow for some to work while others fail to fit correctly.

NEVER try to fit the jeans, they must fit you. Some may tell you what are the best brands or styles, but not all of us fit the same pants.

And don't think that over time the jeans will change to fit you either. They were made the way they were for a purpose, and attempting to change them will result in both kinds of tears.

When it comes to pants, you are always looking for quality as well. It holds quite true that the less you pay, the less you get, and of course the opposite is true as well. You can't realistically plan on spending $20 for the best-fitting jeans you've ever had. The quality greatly affects the longevity.

The best part about jeans is once you find the perfect pair, you always feel your best and are comfortable in your own skin. Never settle for those that don't fit you right, or that will fade in time. Its worth going naked to find the perfect pair!

All About Cake

2009-01-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

One of life's truest sayings:

YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO

What does it even mean? I remember thinking, well, if you have cake, don't you eat it? No brainer.

Little did I know this would become a statement of clarity to me.

You can't physically "have" your cake, once you've eaten it. Its gone. Finished.

There are many things we can't have simultaneously. We can't be tall and short, fat and skinny, can't be a wife and single. It doesn't work that way. We see this all the time in our lives. Once you get a boyfriend, all of the sudden you notice all the cute boys around. When you chop off your hair in a bob you sudden notice how gorgeous long hair is. In many ways we try to compensate and have both (hence hair extensions), but you will work forever constantly trying to be on the "greener" side. Let me save you some time in telling you there will always be someone:

-taller

-smarter

-with more friends

-more artistic

-more athletic

-prettier

-better dressed

...and the list could continue forever. The key is to define yourself against who you really are, and what you would like to become.

Knowing the end from the beginning

2009-01-24T10:57:00.000-08:00

In many ways, the simpliest way to begin is from the end. At the end you have your goals, the actualization of all your work. It makes it seem almost complete without having done any work at all.
I began this project many years ago with a conversation my mom and I had. I don't remember what year it was, or where we were, but I'll never forget it. I was feeling sorry for myself that I didn't have one of those perfect older sisters you saw on TV who would take you everywhere, do your hair, and give advice on boys. Mom just looked at me and said, "You get to be that sister". At the time I was bummed. Ugh. I get to be that sister? Lucky me. I'm the one who deals with the broken jewelry, endless hours of free babysitting, and stolen clothes? Despite my reaction though, the thought resonated with me, and I thought of it often over the years.
I am sad I don't get to be there as you grow up. I wish I could help with the ins and outs of middle school and high school, but I can't be. I want to share all I can with you to assist you these next few poignant years, so perhaps my life and living will have been for something. I am stating my opinions based on experience, (and a BS in Psychology :) ) and you might completely disagree with some things. Consider them though, as a few years from now you might realize I was maybe, perhaps, possibly a little bit right!
I love you and enjoy